I'm such an idiot

I was surfing through these pages, knowing very well I've deserted this blog for six months, and happened to re-read an old post where I was assuming that someone I cared very much for, actually didn't care about me.
Well, now I know that wasn't true at all. I had just misunderstood a number of clues, and I feel such an idiot now. Whether that person had ever read that post or not, I apologize.

So long, dad

Yesterday night, after four days of agony, my father died. I just wish he could have felt less pain than he did, but... well... it's over and he is finally in peace.

I am shattered, but there's a strong human shield around me, made of husband + family + the best friends one could ever have, and this huge feeling of love that is sorrounding me, is the best medicine in the world for my spirit.

And that's all, for now.

This can't be true

Okay, I know this can sound pathetic. Last week I had hoped that THIS week would be better, that I would find new energies and fight against this kind of dark mist that has fallen over me in the past month.

This trust sensation lasted... hmmm... about 16 hours. Then I received some news, and now things are WORSE than before and I almost feel uneasy to mention it here, but after all this is a way to keep in touch with a few friends (the ones who live very far from me) and let them know how life is treating me.

So, in a nutshell: my father is ill. VERY ill.
Yes, it is what you are thinking of. No, probably there is no cure.

End of the news for now. Will try to find new energies anyway, and post something better in the days to come. I can't let myself absorbed by all this **** that's happening around me, or I will just go crazy.

Must hold on

Just a short update, to let you know I am fine enough, but still living difficult days at my friend's side. A destroyed family is always something very hard to cope with: from the biggest issues to the smallest everyday problems. Everything changes so quickly, and the pain grows in certain days, decreases in other days. I am not completely useless, but I wish I could do more. I wish I could at least find the right words at the right times. Sometimes I can do it, more often I can't.

Last Monday was the worst day, for me. It was in part connected with my friend's situation, and in part not. For a number of reasons I cannot explain in detail, I have learnt that there are things I cannot escape, although I have tried so much. Sooner or later, I had to understand that certain memories and feelings will always be with me, for the good and the bad. I must live with that.

Another very hard day is waiting for me, next week: a kind of ceremony on Thursday, Nov 8th, in memory of someone I had loved very much. I am collecting all my strength for that day. Will let you know how it will go.

Scared

Today has been awful. Someone I care very much for, is going through an awful time and there's nothing I can do. Just being there for this person, as I've always done. But when I see so much sadness and so many tears, I'd really want to hurt deeply those who are hurting this friend. From 10:30 AM to now (9 PM), it has been a whole day full of phone calls and worries and desperation, and tomorrow will be the same, and the months to come as well.

I've cried a lot, I've walked around in my house as a beast in a cage, I've felt so awfully useless. I had hoped with all my heart that all this mess wouldn't happen, even though I knew it could, and my hopes have been fully disappointed.

What's going to happen now? I have no idea. I only know my friend is hurting so much, and I am scared about the future. What are we going to do? Yes, "we". How is my friend going to collect the pieces of a life that won't ever be the same, and how am I going to help? What am I going to say? What kind of strength can ever fight this huge sorrow and fragility? How am I going to be there? Doing what? Actually, is there anything at all that can be done?

I have no idea, and again I am so scared.

Things change quickly

Two months before, you think you feel so much loved, that you almost can't believe it.
Two months later, you are afraid that you were just deceiving yourself, and you can't understand if you've done anything wrong; and if that was the case, what you've done.
Suddenly an old poem comes back to your mind and you feel like life is dragging you in places you don't even want to see.
Well, I also feel like I am sort of drunk tonight. But my brain still works, when it thinks that T.S. Eliot had understood too much, and knew that truth hurts (but at least assuming we could know what the truth is!).

And would it have been worth it, after all,
After the cups, the marmalade, the tea,
Among the porcelain, among some talk of you and me,
Would it have been worth while,
To have bitten off the matter with a smile,
To have squeezed the universe into a ball
To roll it toward some overwhelming question,
To say: "I am Lazarus, come from the dead
Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all"--
If one, settling a pillow by her head,
Should say: "That is not what I meant at all.
That is not it, at all."

And would it have been worth it, after all,
Would it have been worth while,
After the sunsets and the dooryards and the sprinkled streets,
After the novels, after the teacups, after the skirts that trail along the
floor--
And this, and so much more?--
It is impossible to say just what I mean!
But as if a magic lantern threw the nerves in patterns on a screen:
Would it have been worth while
If one, settling a pillow or throwing off a shawl,
And turning toward the window, should say:
"That is not it at all,
That is not what I meant, at all."

Each time, The Love Song of Alfred J. Prufrock stabs my heart like the first time I read it.

Labels are so easy and comfortable

Surfing through blogs, I've happened to read this quote:

Be a Do-er Not a Critic
A non-doer is very often a critic - that is, someone who sits back and watches doers, and then waxes philosophically about how the doers are doing. It's easy to be a critic, but being a doer requires effort, risk, and change.
Wayne Dyer

How false, superficial and misleading - a REAL critic is so much more than that!

I wonder what Dr. Dyer would think if I said that people who've got a doctorate in counseling psychotherapy, and who write books with titles such as Change Your Thoughts - Change Your Life, or 10 Secrets for Success and Inner Peace, are just cheaters who live on other people's fears and illusions. Which, for the record, I don't think - I have read none of his books but I've read a good amount of books by Leo Buscaglia (not exactly the same, but a few things in common, I guess).

Oh well... one more quote where the world is painted in black & white.